Am I the asshole?

Am I The Asshole is the title of my favorite subreddit on Reddit: People ask other people's opinions about their stories of conflict to find out whether or not they're the asshole in the situation. Funnily enough, this subreddit is also a major plot line in a romance novel I recently read, more on that later.

I will never post on this subreddit because I am always the asshole. In every conflict I've ever had, I've come to the conclusion that it's my fault. In that sense, it must be fun to be friends with or related to me, because you can blame everything on me, and I'll happily add it to my list of reasons why I shouldn't exist. It's a very exhausting way to live, though, and changing my perspective has been one of the few big changes I've made in the past few months.

The catalyst for this change was when someone I admired and had just met in person asked me if I was happy and what made me happy and in that moment I realized, no, I'm not happy and none of the things I'm doing really make me happy. This conversation had a ripple effect and made me realize that I had made so many compromises over the last ten years that I don’t like the life I’ve built. I was just so used to being depressed that I didn't see how much of my pain actually has come from circumstances and decisions that I agreed to because I assumed I could be okay with them. But I'm neither okay nor happy.

So I decided to take on big challenges in my life, because while I can't change all of these circumstances, I want to change what I can control. Three areas of my life have been the biggest pain points in recent years:

1. Sleep

I didn't understand the importance of sleep until a therapy session in my early twenties. My therapist asked me how I was and was taken aback when I answered: “I’m great, I just don’t sleep well” (therapists and psychiatrists being surprised by how bad my mental health really is has been a recurring theme in my life). Fixing my sleep has been a staple on my list of new year’s resolutions, but it’s the one I always pushed back because I didn’t feel strong enough. For the past few years, I’ve been scrolling myself to sleep (mostly on Reddit) because I felt it was healthier than listening to my downward spiraling thoughts at night. Since the beginning of this year, I have stopped using my phone and started reading before bed. This has been a challenge in itself because non-fiction or great fiction stimulates my brain too much, so the middle ground for me has been mediocre romance.

Still, most days of the week I lie awake way too long. I've tried to ignore this problem, but two doctors have asked me about my sleep in recent weeks. And my personal trainer keeps calling me out on it, so much so that I've started digging deeper and doing more research. What I can say so far is that I probably need to make a real mindset change. Because I don't like sleeping, I'd rather be awake.

2. Social Life

My biggest heartbreak in the last two years has been the loss of a friendship or my perception of it. The situation is closely related to the initial question "Am I the asshole?” When it comes to relationships, I'm definitely the asshole because I can never give what Central Europeans want in a friendship. I always feel most content when I’m alone but every mental health study shows that you need social connections and you should reach out to loved ones even if you feel too depressed to do so. But I can spend months in my pain cave, and when I crawl out and get back in touch with friends, they're gone.

So I've made an effort to find social connections that don't make me feel bad about myself and don't make me feel like an asshole. I have recurring tasks to reach out to friends and make connections in my task manager. And I've started to be more open to new people that I meet in business and personal life situations. Britt Frank's book "The Science of Stuck" helped me accept the fact that there are many kinds of friendships, and not every friendship is the picture-perfect one you see on TV or social media. Some of the people I love deeply I only see every few years or so, but our conversations feed my soul more than conventional friendships.

3. Health

I'm probably healthier than average, but there are areas I know I need to work on, and until recently I didn't even think sleep would be in that category. I've had a lot of doctor's appointments recently, which have led to more doctor's appointments, and I've learned things about myself that it might have been easier not to. But health is wealth, and as my doctor says: What gets measured gets managed. Because I'm in a better place, both mentally and financially, I'm in the process of tackling issues that will take years and a lot of money to fix. More on that another time. I just want to point out how ironic it is that within a few years I went from wishing I'd just drop dead or never wake up again to spending all my money on longevity experts. I guess that’s called growth.

For the nerds out there, you'll be excited to hear that I have OKR'd these three areas of my life into my task manager. I'll share my process for of setting up objectives and key results with actionable items in one of my next newsletters.

What I’ve been reading

“Dopamine Nation” by Anna Lembke made me understand why I love TikTok so much. This book has left me clueless though because Lembke shares how her patients went from one obsessive behaviour to another. She herself was addicted to reading romance novels but has since channeled this energy into her work. As the queen of obsessive behaviour, I have yet to find a healthy way to get dopamine.

What I’ve been listening to

One of my obsessions is Tate McRae, she’s just so mesmerizing. I listened to her song Sports Car for three hours straight on a long-haul flight and I’m still not sick of it.

What I’ve been watching

I don’t see many people talking about the TV show Shrinking. It deals with grief, complicated friendships and depression in a way that I've never seen on television before. I love that we're at a point in pop culture where characters can be human and not have to be either villains or heroes.

Which brings us back to the question of being an asshole. Most of the time we're flawed human beings.

On a final note, quite a few people have been asking me when I'm going to send out my personal newsletter again. Frankly, sometimes I feel too depressed and sometimes not depressed enough to be inspired to write. I’ve had versions of this post in my head for months and wandering through the streets of Kyoto and Tokyo ignited a spark within me, so thanks for sticking around! If you want to hear me ramble on, I recommend listening to my interview on the 30 March podcast.